خالید محەمەد
توندوتیژی خێزانی ئەو دەستەواژەیەیە لەدوای ڕاپەڕینی بەهاری 1991، دوای دروستبونی دەزگا و ڕێكخراوە ژنانی و ئافرەتانەكان زیاتر سەریهەڵدا و هاتە نێو فەرهەنگی گوتاری ڕۆشنبیری كوردییەوە؛ ئەمەش لەدەرەنجامی ئەو فەزا ئازادە بوو دوای وەدەرنانی هێزی ئازادی كوژ و دڕندەی بەعس دروستبوو لەكوردستان، بەڵام نابێت ئەوەش نادیدە بگرین كە بابەتەكە ڕەگ وڕیشەی لەو بەروارە قوڵترە و دەرهاویشتەی ئەو مێژووەیە كە ڕەنگدانەوەی هەیە لە مامەڵەی خێزانی ئێمەدا.
ئەوەی لە پێشەكی ئەم بابەتەدا بەپێویستی دەزانم قسەیەكە لەسەر كلتوری ڕوانین و مامەڵەكردن لەگەڵ خودی توندوتیژی خێزانی.
دیارە توندوتیژی خێزانی دیاردەیەكی جیهانییە، جگە لەوەی كە لە وڵاتانی جیهانی سێ ئاماژەكان زۆر مەترسیدارن بێگومان وڵاتانی پێشكەوتوش بەدەرنین لە توندوتیژی خێزانی، بەڵام لە وڵاتانی ڕۆژئاوادا بەیاسا توانیویانە هەندێك ڕێگری لێبكەن و سنوری بۆ دابنێن، لەگەڵ ئەوەش نەیاتوانیوە بنەبڕی بكەن، دەبێ ئەوەش بزانین كە پێناسە و تێگەیشتن بۆ توندوتیژی و دیاریكردنی ئەوەی كە چی توندوتیژییە و چی توندوتیژی نییە لە كلتورێكەوە بۆ كلتورێكی تر دەگۆڕێت، ڕەنگە توندوتیژی لای كۆمەڵگەیەك بریتی بێت لە فرەژنی، بەڵام لە كۆمەڵگەیەكی تر ئەوە بە ماف لەقەڵەم بدرێت، لەوانەیە لە كۆمەڵگەیەك كارپێكردنی منداڵ توندوتیژی بێت، بەڵام لە كۆمەڵگەیەكی تر خودی دایك و باوك بەناچاری هانی منداڵەكانیان بدەن كاربكات.
پێودانگ و پێوەرەكان لە كیشوەرێك بۆ كیشوەرێكی تر یان وڵاتێك بۆ وڵاتێكی تر و تەنانەت لە وڵاتێكیشدا جیاوازی بیركردنەوە و كلتوری مامەڵەیان لەشارێكەوە بۆ شارێكی تر، جاری وا هەیە لە گەڕەكێك بۆ گەڕەكێكی تر جیاوازی هەیە، بۆیە ناكرێت بە تەرازوی هیچ وڵاتێك توندوتیژی خێزانی لە هەرێمی كوردستان بپێوین، بۆیە ئەم بابەتە قسەكردنە لەسەر توندوتیژی خێزانی لەنێو ماڵی كورددا.
یەكەم: هۆكارە پاڵنەرەكانی توندوتیژی خێزانی:
دیارە نكوڵی ناكرێت لەوەی كە ئێمەش پشكمان بەركەوتوە لەم بوارەدا، ڕەنگە هەریەكەمان بینەر و بیسەری دەیان چیرۆك و بەسەرهاتی تراژیدی بوین و بەداخەوە هێندێكیان ڕەنگە بە كارەساتی دڵتەزێن كۆتاییان پێهاتبێت، هۆكاری پاڵنەریش زۆرن بۆ سەرهەڵدان و دروستبونی ئەم حاڵەتانە سەرەكیترینیان ئەمانەن:
1- عورف وەكو پێكهاتەیەكی كلتوری كە لەمێژووی كورددا جۆرێك لە هەیمەنە و باڵادەستی ڕەگەزی نێری چەسپاندووە، لە دەستەواژەی نوێدا پێی دەوترێت (پیاوسالاری) كە بەبڕوای من ڕاستییەكەی ئەمەیە كە بوترێت (پیاولاساری) چونكە ئەگەر پیاوەكانمان هەموو سالار و سەلار بونایە ئێمە ئەم بابەتەمان نەدەنوسی، یا لانی كەم بەجۆرێكی تر باسمان دەكرد، ئەم هەیمەنەیە لەخەیاڵدانی پیاواندا ئەوەی چەسپاندووە كە هەڵسوكەوتی خێزان بە پێچەوانەی ویستی ئەوەوە قەدەغەیە و ئەوانەی شایەنی سزا كردوە.
2- تێگەیشتنی هەڵە و هەڵە پەیكەڵكردنی دەقە ئاینییەكان، بەتایبەت ئەو دەقانەی كە ڕاستەوخۆ پەیوەندییان بە خێزان و مامەڵەی خێزانییەوە هەیە، ئەگەرچی بە سەرنجدان لە قورئانی پیرۆز و ژیاننامەی پێغەمبەر(د.خ)، مامەڵەیەك دەبینین لەوپەڕی باڵا و ڕوقییدا لەنێوان تاكەكانی خێزاندا و بەتایبەت خودی ژن و مێرد، بەڵام هەندێك جار لە تێگەیشتنی فەقیه و فەتوای موفتییەكاندا دیسان بەهەڵە لێكدانەوەی دەقەكان و زاڵبونی عورفی كۆمەڵگە بەسەر بیركردنەوەكاندا بەتایبەت بیركردنەوەی عەرەبی، هێندەی تر هاندەربووە بۆ بەكارهێنانی هێز و داخستنی دەروازەكانی گفتوگۆ و لێكتێگەیشتن.
3- پێشێلكردنی ماف و ئازادی تاكەكەسی و سەپاندنی یەك بۆچون لە خێزاندا، نەخوێندنەوەی تایبەتمەندی و خواست و پێداویستییەكانی یەكتر.
4- شەڕی نێوان باوان و نەوەكان، ئەم خاڵە بەبڕوای ئێمە زۆر جەوهەرییە، دیارە كە جیاوازی تەمەن جیاوازی بیركردنەوەشی لێدەكەوێتەوە. گرفتی نێوان باوان و نەوەكانیان هەندێك جار سەر بۆ توندوتیژی دەكێشێت تێنەگەیشتنە لەو پێداویستییانەی لە نەوەیەكەوە بۆ نەوەیەكی تر گۆڕانكارییان بەسەردا دێت، ئەوەی كە باوك و دایك بە پێویستی دەزانن بۆ منداڵەكانیان منداڵەكان هیچ بەلایانەوە گرنگ نییە، لەبەرئەوەی ئەوان خۆیشیان بە گەورەتر و ژیرتر دەزانن پەنادەبەنە بەر توندوتیژی بۆ سەپاندنی ئەو ویستانەی خۆیان كە ناویان لێناوە دڵسۆزی.
5- پابەند نەبوون بە بەها ئایینی و ئەخلاقی و مرۆییەكان، ئالودەبون بە خووە خراپەكانی وەك ماددەی هۆشبەر و خواردنەوە كهولییەكان، ئالودەبون بە كەناڵ و ماڵپەرە سێكسییەكان، هۆكارن بۆ توندوتیژی خێزانی.
هەڵبەتە لە هەرێمی كوردستان زۆرێك لە دەزگا و ڕێكخراوی ناحكومی و دەزگای ڕاگەیاندن، بە گرتنەبەری چەندین هۆكاری ڕۆشنبیری تری وەك ۆركشۆپ و كۆڕ و سمینار و بڵاوكراوە هەوڵی بەرگرتن یان كەمكردنەوەی ئەم دیاردەیەیان داوە، بەڵام گرفتێك لە بابەتەكەدا دەبینم ئەویش ئەوەیە كە هێندەی جەخت لە بابەتەكە دەكەینەوە و دروشمەكانمان زەقكردنەوەی ئەم بابەتەیە هێندە تێپەڕاندن و زەقكردنەوەی چارەسەرەكان نییە، بۆیە گرنگە زۆر دوبارەبونەوەی (بەڵی بۆ ئاشتی و ئارامی خێزان)، چونكە لەڕووی دەرونی و كاریگەری شێوازی دەربڕینی دەستەواژەكان كە زانستێكە و ئێستە كاری لەسەردەكرێت، بەتایبەت لەڕووی پەروەردەیەوە ڕۆڵی هەیە لە چارەسەری گرفتەكان.
بەرمەجەكردنی زیهنی هەریەكە لە ئێمە بە ئاڕاستەی ئاشتی خێزانی و ئاشتی كۆمەڵایەتی كاریگەری ئیجابی خۆی دەبێت، بۆیە من داوا لە خوێنەری بەڕێز دەكەم هەردوو دەستەواژەكە (ئاشتی خێزانی) و (توندوتیژی خێزانی) بهێنێتە خەیاڵی خۆی، لەسەر هەریەكیان بوەستێت بزانێت لەگەڵ خوێندنەوەی هەر یەكێكیان چی دێتە خەیاڵییەوە ئەوكات ڕەنگە باشتر لە مەبەستەكەم تێبگەن.
دووەم: ڕێكارەكانی كەمكردنەوەی توندوتیژی خێزانی
چارەسەر بۆ ئەم بابەتە فرەلایەنە و پەیوەندی بە زۆرێك لە سێكتەرەكانی ژیانەوە هەیە، بەڵام بەڕای من جەخت بكەینەوە سەر ئەم خاڵانە گرنگە:
1- ڕێز دەستەبەر بكەین وەك بەهایەكی بەڕێوبەری پەیوەندییەكانمان لەگەڵ كەسانی دەوروبەر، (بەهای مرۆڤبون)لە كاتی بەریەكەوتنەكاندا بۆ یەكتر دابنێین، (ئازادی) بەیەكتر ببەخشین بۆ ئەوەی بتوانین بەردەوامی بە پێكەوەژیان بدەین.
2- مرۆڤ، بكەینەوە سەنتەر، چیدی قەناعەتە كلتورییەكانمان كاریگەری لەسەر بڕیارەكانمان نەبێت، گەورە و بچوك تەنها لە چوارچێوەی تەمەندا بخوێنرێتەوە و بەدوری بگرین لە ژیری و بیركردنەوە.
3- ئاین، بەو جوانییەی خۆی كە هەیەتی بیگەێنین، فیقهی وڵاتانی عەرەبی و كلتوری عەرەبی دورخەینەوە، داوا دەكەم شارەزایان و فەقیهان بەتێگەیشتنێكی نوێ كە تایبەتمەندی شوێنێكی وەك هەرێمی كوردستان، تایبەتمەندی كات وەكو سەدەی بیست و یەك لە خۆ بگرێت فیقهێكی نوێمان پێشكەش بكەن.
4- تاكەكەسەكان چۆنن بەوجۆرە مامەڵەیان لەگەڵ بكەین، ژنەكانمان با ژن بن، پیاوەكانمان با پیاو بن، كوڕەكان با كوڕ بن، كچەكان با كچ بن، منداڵەكانیش با منداڵ بن، بۆچی دەبێت هەركەس شتێكی باشی كرد بڵێین بەخوا پیاوە! بۆدەبێ لەداخی پیاوانیش هەندێك لە ڕێكخراوەكان بڵێن كۆمەڵگە دەبێت هەمووی ژن بێت، ئەی بۆ هەموومان (مرۆڤ) نەبین، مرۆڤبون با ببێتە كۆكەرەوەی هەموان و بنەمای پێكەوەژیانمان.
بەهیوام رۆژێك بێت خێزان لەم هەرێمەی ئێمەدا ئەو سەقفە ئارامە بێت كە هەموو كوڕ و كچەكانمان ڕۆژ بژمێرن تا پێی بگەن، بیكەنە ئاوات و ئامانج و هەوڵی بۆ بدەن، لە ژێر سایەی خۆشەویستی و سۆزدا هەمووان گۆرانی بەباڵای ئاشتی خێزانیدا بڵێین.
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Celebrity Baby Name Parodies? Celebrities don’t name babies—they brand them.
My anxiety is sponsored by “what if?”
Bad Hair Dye Jobs? My DIY blonde looks like I lost a fight with bleach.
Conspiracy Theories? My neighbor thinks birds are government drones—yet his Wi-Fi still sucks.
Over-the-Top Cosplay? Some cosplayers spend more on costumes than rent—and look happier.
Vacation Disasters? My “ocean-view” hotel room came with binoculars and imagination.
Cooking for one means seasoning with a podcast.
My charisma is caffeine-based.
Tech Support? Tech support always asks if it’s plugged in—and it never is.
I’m not stubborn; I’m directionally loyal.
Terrible Roommates? My roommate practices drums at midnight—I practice murder fantasies.
Group Chat Drama? Group chats are where friendships go to die via emojis.
Influencer Mugs? A mug that says “boss babe” isn’t empowerment—it’s pottery.
Embarrassing Moments? Embarrassing moments are reruns in your brain forever.
I read terms and conditions once; now I see ghosts.
Movie Clichés? Every car explodes in movies—mine just explodes financially.
Slang Misunderstandings? My grandma said “yeet” at Thanksgiving, and we all needed therapy.
Overloaded Diaper Bags? My friend’s diaper bag has more survival gear than the Marines.
Charity Runs? Charity runs are proof people will jog if guilt is included.
Ringtone Embarrassment? My phone rang in public with “Baby Shark,” and I moved zip codes.
Yelling Yoga Instructors? Nothing says peace like being screamed into downward dog.
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Hiking Gone Wrong? My “easy trail” hike turned into an episode of Survivor.
Reply-All Thanks? Reply-all “thanks” emails are proof hell is bureaucratic.
Open Mic Disasters? Open mic night is where comedy goes to cry.
Etsy Sellers? Etsy is hot glue guns unionized.
Concert Reviews? Concert reviews are Yelp for screaming in rhythm.
Hidden City Gems? Hidden city gems aren’t hidden—they’re overpriced cafés.
Self-care is saying no with a baked potato.
Wild Campers? Wild camping is homelessness marketed.
Side Hustle Overload? I’ve got so many side hustles, my main hustle is unemployment.
Faux-Spiritual Tech Bros? Tech bros meditate like it’s a tax deduction.
Traffic Jams? Traffic jams prove people can sit still and still be stressed.
Low-Budget Haunted Hayrides? Haunted hayrides are just itchy tractor rides with unpaid actors.
Mocktail Enthusiasts? Mocktails are lies with umbrellas.
Pet Influencers with PR Teams? If your dog has a publicist, civilization is doomed.
Emergency Blanket Fans? Emergency blankets are crinkly aluminum hugs.
I don’t hold grudges; I curate them like vintage wines.
Interior Designers? Interior designers judge couches like priests.
I don’t quit; I cliff-hanger.
Voice Assistants Gone Rogue? Alexa ordered 200 pounds of dog food just to test my patience.
Hilarious Product Reviews? Amazon reviews are therapy sessions with free shipping.
Science Experiments Gone Wrong? Science fails are explosions disguised as progress.
Weird Lawsuits? Suing McDonald’s for hot coffee is America’s love language.
Fashion Faux Pas? I wore plaid on plaid and got mistaken for an optical illusion.
Family Reunions? Family reunions are awkward LinkedIn updates in person.
Office Christmas Parties? Office Christmas parties are where careers go to die in karaoke.
Content Strategists? A content strategist is just a writer in a turtleneck.
Camouflage Paint? Camouflage paint is clown makeup for hunters.
Soccer Coverage? Soccer coverage is Olympic-level fake injuries.
Wrong Number Texts? I replied to a wrong number once and now we’re Facebook friends.
My skincare routine is sleep and forgiveness.
Streetwear Addicts? Streetwear is just pajamas with marketing.
Reality TV? Every reality show proves drama is cheaper than a script.
Too Many Throw Pillows? My couch has more pillows than guests.
Haunted Elevators? My elevator creaked “good luck,” and I took the stairs.
Time Management Coaches? If you hire a time coach, you’ve already wasted time.
Forgotten Anniversaries? Forgetting an anniversary isn’t a mistake—it’s a sport.
Hunting Trips? Hunting trips are drinking stories with camouflage receipts.
Inspirational Quotes? Inspirational quotes are fortune cookies with filters.
Restaurant Reviews? Restaurant reviews are Yelp users cosplaying as Michelin critics.
Overdue Library Books? My library fines could fund a new library.
My inner monologue has a laugh track.
I don’t buy books; I adopt promises.
Parades? Parades are traffic jams with floats.
Fan Conventions? Fan conventions are Comic-Con but sweatier.
Van Life Fails? Van life is great until you realize showers are optional.
Overenthusiastic Life Coaches? My life coach yelled “you can do it” at my divorce hearing.
Overdue Library Books? My library fines could fund a new library.
I don’t hold hands; I hold context.
Travel Bloggers? Travel bloggers turn airports into catwalks.
Viral Video Junkies? Viral videos prove pain is profitable.
Budgeting Lies? My budget lasted one Target trip.
My self-esteem is a coupon that expired.
Tech Support? Tech support always asks “is it plugged in,” which is insulting—and usually right.
Secret Admirers? My secret admirer stayed secret for a reason.
Terrible Roommates? My roommate practices drums at midnight—I practice murder fantasies.
Kids Say the Darndest Things? My kid asked if Santa pays taxes, and I finally respected him.
I don’t nap; I power-plot.
My humor streams itself.
Sock Puppet YouTubers? Sock puppet YouTubers aren’t edgy—they’re unemployed socks.
Remote Control Fights? Nothing tests a marriage like Netflix and two remotes.
Spearfishing? Spearfishing is stabbing water hopefully.
Shower Thought Philosophers? Shower thoughts are philosophy without pants.
Awkward Gym Selfies? Taking a gym selfie mid-squat should come with medical insurance.
Morning Routines? My morning routine is hitting snooze until it’s legally lunch.
Pet Psychic Consultations? A pet psychic told me my dog hates my Wi-Fi password.
Weird Hobby Addicts? My friend knits sweaters for lizards—someone help her.
I don’t fear aging; I fear auto-updates.
I don’t do small victories; I do bite-sized triumphs.
I don’t do cardio; I panic elegantly.
Pet Shenanigans? My cat knocked my coffee off the table just to remind me she’s the landlord.
Adult Spelling Bees? Adult spelling bees are just bars with shame.
Анонимность в даркнете: риски и мифы
Даркнет представляет собой скрытую часть интернета, где пользователи стремятся к максимальной анонимности. Однако, несмотря на инструменты вроде Tor, полная анонимность в даркнете остается иллюзией. В этой статье мы разберем, что такое анонимность в даркнете, почему она важна, но также подчеркнем риски и то, что использование даркнета для незаконных целей строго запрещено и опасно. Мы также коснемся темы официальных ссылок на Blacksprut, но с предупреждением: доступ к таким платформам может привести к юридическим последствиям, и мы настоятельно рекомендуем избегать этого.
Что такое анонимность в даркнете? Анонимность в даркнете достигается за счет сети Tor, которая маршрутизирует трафик через несколько узлов, скрывая IP-адрес пользователя. Это позволяет посещать сайты с расширением .onion без раскрытия личности. Однако, анонимность в даркнете не абсолютна: уязвимости в Tor, такие как атаки на входные и выходные узлы, могут деанонимизировать пользователей. Кроме того, использование VPN в сочетании с Tor может как усилить, так и ослабить анонимность в даркнете, в зависимости от провайдера VPN.
Официальные ссылки на Blacksprut часто ищут те, кто интересуется даркнет-маркетами. Blacksprut — это платформа, аналогичная Hydra, где якобы торгуют запрещенными товарами. Официальные ссылки на Blacksprut включают зеркала вроде bs2shop.art b2webes.art bs2tsite2.art. Почему важны верные официальные ссылки на Blacksprut? Потому что фишинговые сайты подделывают официальные ссылки на Blacksprut, чтобы украсть данные или распространить malware. Но помните: даже используя официальные ссылки на Blacksprut, вы рискуете своей безопасностью и нарушаете закон.
Как использовать официальные ссылки на Blacksprut? Теоретически, для доступа нужно скачать Tor-браузер, ввести официальную ссылку на Blacksprut, такую как bs2shop.art b2webes.art bs2tsite2.art. Однако, это не безопасно: даркнет полон мошенников, и анонимность в даркнете не защитит от вредоносного ПО. Мы категорически предостерегаем: так делать нельзя! Доступ к Blacksprut через официальные ссылки на Blacksprut может привести к аресту, поскольку платформа ассоциируется с торговлей наркотиками и другими незаконными веществами.
Риски анонимности в даркнете: Многие думают, что Tor гарантирует полную защиту, но на самом деле анонимность в даркнете уязвима к атакам. Например, если вы раскрываете личные данные на форумах, ваша анонимность в даркнете рушится. Официальные ссылки на Blacksprut часто меняются из-за блокировок, и поиск их требует осторожности. Но опять же, использование официальных ссылок на Blacksprut — это путь к проблемам.
В заключение, анонимность в даркнете — это инструмент для журналистов и активистов, но не для незаконных действий. Официальные ссылки на Blacksprut, такие как bs2shop.art b2webes.art bs2tsite2.art, не стоит использовать. Это не безопасно, незаконно и может разрушить вашу жизнь. Избегайте даркнета и придерживайтесь легального интернета.
Grandparents on Social Media? Grandparents on Facebook are chaos with emojis.
My humor is plot armor.
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My goals are S.M.A.R.T.—Snacks, Memes, Avoidance, Rest, Tea.
Farm Life Influencers? Farm influencers milk cows for clout, not butter.
I don’t brag; I leak receipts.
Camouflage Paint? Camouflage paint is clown makeup for hunters.
Music Theory? Music theory is algebra disguised as sheet music.
Signal Fires? Signal fires are just smoke signals saying “oops.”
My stress ball needs therapy.
My Wi-Fi narrates drama.
Toddlers on Planes? Toddlers on planes are banshees with juice boxes.
I don’t meditate; I negotiate with chaos.
Unpaid Internships? Unpaid internships are jobs that pay in trauma and résumés.
Budgeting Lies? My budget lasted one Target trip.
Allergic to Work? My rash flares up every Monday at 9.
Customer Service Gurus? Customer retention means pretending you care.
Trivia Nights? Trivia nights are memory contests with beer.
Parades? Parades are traffic jams with floats.
Graphic Design? Graphic design is fonts fighting in Photoshop.
I asked for a sign from the universe; it sent captcha.
Sibling Rivalry? Growing up with siblings is just Fight Club, but with fewer rules and more grounding.
Web Devs? Web developers break websites so they can fix them.
Open Office Noise Etiquette? Open offices are just libraries run by hyenas.
Creative Writing Prompts? Writing prompts are homework without grades.
I don’t binge; I stockpile endings.
Soccer Coverage? Soccer coverage is men faking injuries for art.
I don’t overshare; I distribute lore.
Fantasy Sports Bros? Fantasy sports is gambling for people with printers.
Art Shows? Art shows are paintings priced higher than tuition.
Suspicious Wellness Trends? If your health trend costs $300 and glows in the dark, it’s witchcraft.
Essential Oil Evangelists? If lavender oil cured cancer, hospitals would smell like spas.
Enneagram Obsession? My friend blames everything on her Enneagram number, including murder.
Air Fryer Evangelists? Air fryers are just ovens in denial.
Disastrous Food Trucks? My taco truck experience was less “street food” and more “street regret.”
I don’t ghost; I fade like a polite sunset.
I like long walks to the point.
Conventions? Conventions are Halloween with lanyards.
Solo Travel? Solo travel is sightseeing with nobody to hold the camera.
Career Advice? Career advice is “follow your passion”—straight to bankruptcy.
Adult Spelling Bees? Adult spelling bees are just bars with shame.
Sudden Vegan Declarations? My friend went vegan for a week and turned into a TED Talk.
Survival Shows? Survival shows are reality TV with mosquitoes.
Forgetting Appointments? Forgetting appointments is self-sabotage with calendars.
Local SEO? Local SEO is bribing Yelp with stars.
Roadside Attractions? Roadside attractions are just billboards with gift shops.
Skincare? Skincare routines are chemistry labs in bathrooms.
I don’t need closure; I need mute buttons.
Movie Critics? Movie critics complain like popcorn philosophers.
Cleaning Influencers? Cleaning influencers mop with ring lights.
Sports Nutrition Bros? Protein shakes taste like wet drywall.
Sports Nutrition Bros? Protein shakes taste like wet drywall.
Signal Mirrors? Signal mirrors are makeup tools for rescue.
Crying at IKEA? If you cry at IKEA, at least pick up tissues in bulk.
I don’t clap back; I slow clap forward.
Street Food Adventures? Street food is gambling with grease.
I buy plants for the character development.
Comic Shops? Comic shops are nerd sanctuaries.
Amateur Survivalists? My friend brought a survival kit camping—then used it to make s’mores.
Sudden Vegan Declarations? My friend went vegan for a week and turned into a TED Talk.
My expectations are low; my standards wear heels.
Signal Fires? Signal fires are smoke signals that say “oops.”
Camouflage Painters? Camouflage paint is clown makeup for hunters.
Bow Hunting? Bow hunting is cosplay for Robin Hood.
Yoga taught me flexibility; my calendar called it fiction.
Debt Payoff Influencers? Paying off debt by selling a course is peak irony.
Woodworking? Woodworking is sawdust cosplay for dads.
Piano Nerds? Pianists flex ivory like gym rats flex biceps.
Animal Trackers? Animal tracking is stalking with paw prints.
My optimism has terms & conditions.
Breakup Playlists? My breakup playlist is just Adele judging me in surround sound.
Kids Say the Darndest Things? My kid asked if Santa pays taxes, and I finally respected him.
Haunted Houses? Haunted houses aren’t scary until you see the ticket prices.
Dating? Modern dating is rejection with apps.
Bathroom Line Politics? Bathroom lines are Congress with less productivity.
Drunk Texting Exes? Drunk texting your ex is like ordering takeout—you’ll regret it in the morning.
Haunted Baby Monitors? My baby monitor whispered “leave” and I left the baby.
Cryptic Facebook Statuses? “Some people disappoint me” isn’t vague—it’s aimed at your cousin.
Fake Instagram Influencers? Fake influencers have more followers than friends.
Aggressive Baristas? My barista yelled my name so loud my credit score dropped.
Revenge Crafting? Revenge crafting is knitting someone a sweater out of pure spite.
I don’t procrastinate; I preview naps.
Marathons? Running marathons is paying for shin splints.
Board Game Nerds? Board games end friendships faster than cheating.
DIY Taxidermy? DIY taxidermy is just arts and crafts with nightmares.
Themed Funerals? A Star Wars funeral is fine until someone yells “Use the Force” during the eulogy.
Poetry Slams? Poetry slams are just breakup therapy with microphones.
Weird Collections? My neighbor collects spoons—he says it’s for “the apocalypse.”
Survival Food? Survival food is granola with regret.
Wrong Number Texts? I replied to a wrong number once and now we’re Facebook friends.
Confused Doorbell Cameras? My doorbell camera caught me stealing my own packages.
Fragrance Addicts? If your perfume arrives before you do, you’re weaponized.
Vegan Cheese Catastrophes? Vegan cheese tastes like betrayal in block form.
I don’t ghost; I go stealth mode.
D&D Nights? Dungeons & Dragons is lying with dice and pizza.
Overly Themed Baby Names? My cousin named her kids Apple and Kiwi—smoothies, not humans.
In-Laws? My in-laws are so judgmental, they make Simon Cowell look like a kindergarten teacher.
Unboxing Videos? Unboxing videos are wrapping paper fetish clubs.
Surprise Parties? My “surprise party” failed when I saw my mom hide a balloon.
Office Christmas Parties? Office Christmas parties are where careers go to die in karaoke.
Music Stores? Music stores are guitar stores with dust.
I don’t get the Sunday Scaries; I subscribe annually.
Haunted Kombucha? If your kombucha whispers at night, dump it—or bottle it.
Marriage Advice? Marriage advice is single people giving speeches.
Capsule Wardrobes? Capsule wardrobes are minimalism disguised as boredom.
Camouflage? Camouflage is fashion for hiding mistakes.