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Bizarre Yelp Reviews? Yelp reviews are diaries written by bitter food critics with Wi-Fi.
Group Chat Drama? Group chats are where friendships go to die via emojis.
Remote Control Fights? Nothing tests a marriage like Netflix and two remotes.
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Animal Tracking? Animal tracking is stalking with paw prints.
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Vacation Disasters? My “ocean-view” hotel room came with binoculars and imagination.
Sleep Tracker Obsession? My sleep tracker said I slept four hours—I already felt bad enough.
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Resume Tattoo QR Codes? A resume tattoo is just permanent unemployment.
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Preppers? Preppers call hoarding “strategy.”
Magic Tricks? Magic isn’t pulling a rabbit from a hat—it’s pulling $80 from my wallet.
Unsolicited Podcast Pitches? If your podcast pitch starts with “bro,” it ends with no.
Bed & Breakfast Oddities? B&Bs are hotels run by nosy parents.
Inaccurate Weather Apps? My weather app said “sunny,” so I drowned stylishly.
Juice Cleanses? Juice cleanses are just expensive diarrhea plans.
Allergic Reactions to Romance? Love didn’t give me butterflies—it gave me hives.
Bad Hair Dye Jobs? My DIY blonde looks like I lost a fight with bleach.
Mid-Tier Influencers? Mid-tier influencers are celebrities at Applebee’s, nobodies at Target.
I buy plants for the character development.
Revenge Crafting? Revenge crafting is knitting someone a sweater out of pure spite.
I don’t overshare; I test-pilot stories.
Accidental Group Texts? I meant to roast my coworker and accidentally roasted them in the group chat.
Budgeting? Budgeting is lying to yourself with spreadsheets.
Yoga Retreats? Yoga retreats are stretching vacations.
My optimism forgot its password.
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Holiday Disasters? Thanksgiving dinner turned into the Hunger Games when pie ran out.
My boundaries have customer service hours.
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Meme Misinterpretations? My mom thought “LOL” meant “lots of love” and sent condolences like a cheerleader.
My humor pays in eye-rolls.
Graphic Design? Graphic design is fonts fighting in Photoshop.
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Writing Workshops? Writing workshops are where authors criticize each other’s trauma.
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Drone Photography? Drone photography is nosy birds with licenses.
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Knitting? Knitting is making fabric at the speed of depression.
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Hashtag Blessed People? Nothing screams cursed like saying “hashtag blessed.”
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Fishing Trips? Fishing is lying with bait.
Pregnancy Updates? Pregnancy updates are countdowns to financial ruin.
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Baby Showers? A baby shower is just people guessing the size of someone else’s bladder.
Seasonal Depression in Summer? Seasonal depression in summer just feels like sunburn with feelings.
Science Museums? Science museums are buttons that never work and kids who do.
Plus-Size Fashion Slogans? “Body positive” shouldn’t mean “pockets negative.”
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Ice Skating? Ice skating is falling gracefully for $15 an hour.
Hiking Gone Wrong? My “easy trail” hike turned into an episode of Survivor.