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Shower Thought Philosophers? Shower thoughts are philosophy without pants.
Family Reunions? Family reunions are where old grudges get reheated like leftovers.
Air Quote Abusers? If you use air quotes too much, you’re “annoying.”
I’m not indecisive—just open-concept about commitment.
Passive-Aggressive Fridge Notes? “Whoever ate my yogurt” is a workplace murder mystery.
Dream Interpreters? If your dream means anything, it means stop eating cheese late.
VR Addicts in Public? Wearing VR in public is just expensive dizziness.
Charity Runs? Charity runs are proof people will jog if guilt is included.
My attitude comes in sample sizes.
Spoken Word? Spoken word is crying with microphones.
Small Business Owners? Small business owners run on caffeine, hope, and QuickBooks.
Birdwatching? Birdwatching is spying with binoculars.
Zodiac Dating? Dating by zodiac sign is just star-based discrimination.
Unfiltered Podcasting? Unfiltered podcasts are just therapy without co-pays.
Spontaneous Dance Parties? I danced in public once—strangers started a GoFundMe for rhythm lessons.
Escape Rooms? Escape rooms are paid anxiety with puzzles.
Bullet Journal Fanatics? Bullet journaling is just calligraphy for procrastinators.
Overly Themed Baby Names? My cousin named her kids Apple and Kiwi—smoothies, not humans.
Doomscrolling Olympics? I stayed up till 4 a.m. scrolling bad news—I won gold in self-destruction.
Pet Tarot Readers? My cat’s tarot card was “The Fool,” and it tracks.
Cancel Culture Confusion? Cancel culture is musical chairs with careers.
DIY Renovators? DIY renovators think paint solves trauma.
Sound Bath Junkies? Sound baths are basically spa concerts with bowls.
Fantasy League Overdrive? Fantasy leagues are math homework with beer.
Flash Mobs? Flash mobs are rehearsed spontaneity.
TV Binge-Watching? Binge-watching is staying up until 3 a.m. to learn nothing.
Women’s Fashion Fails? Fashion week outfits prove style can survive without fabric.
Costume Parties? I wore a sheet as a ghost and got mistaken for “lazy laundry.”
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Haunted Airbnbs? Haunted Airbnbs list ghosts as amenities.
My love language is leftovers labeled “Do Not Eat.”
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Overprotective Parents? My mom didn’t let me play outside, but somehow she trusted me with the internet.
Meal Prep Gurus? Meal prepping is just eating the same depression six days in a row.
Auto-Play Trauma? Netflix auto-play is like an ex who won’t stop calling.
Airplane Turbulence? Turbulence is just the pilot shaking the jar of peanuts.
Roadside Attractions? Roadside attractions are just billboards with gift shops.
My charisma is unlicensed.
Midnight Snack Saboteurs? My roommate ate my midnight pizza—it was war at dawn.
I don’t keep score; I keep receipts.
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Amazon FBA Bros? Amazon FBA is storage units with hope.
Dog Yoga Fanatics? Dog yoga is just humiliation with treats.
My love life is a pilot episode.
UX Testing? UX testing is strangers calling your baby ugly.
I romanticize errands like they’re Paris with parking.
I don’t shop; I emotionally outsource.
Awkward Silences? Awkward silences are audio buffering in real life.
Cleaning Influencers? Cleaning influencers mop with ring lights.
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Budgeting Lies? My budget lasted one Target trip.
Magic Tricks? Magic tricks are lies with applause.
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Tacky Honeymoon Destinations? My friend honeymooned at a water park—that’s not love, that’s chlorine.
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